It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
