On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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