So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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