i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize