god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
