Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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