I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
