a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize