if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
