plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
only you would photoshop your dick
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
