she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
