Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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