i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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