Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
