My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
