so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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