my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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