no, he came in my armpit
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
