Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
