I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
