Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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