I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize