and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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