Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
