my room smells like sperm. sweet.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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