Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
