dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
