my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
