She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
