you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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