the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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