i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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