Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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