dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
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