Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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