Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
