I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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