My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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