I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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