how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
