Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
