I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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