Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
