You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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