A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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