Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
