new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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