I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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