I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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