....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
