I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
