you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
