Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize