she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Randomize
