Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
