So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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