His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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