I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
