I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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