You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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