Do you still have your period?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
